How perfectionism is ruining your life

Art of being content with your achievements without compromising on quality

I used to be such a perfectionist that I was frozen in place before I had to do literally anything, even something as simple as cleaning the room. Not because of laziness, but because I was genuinely afraid I wouldn't do a good enough job to be satisfied with it myself, let alone other people.

There are many remedies for this, but the one that made me free - if not overnight, then over the course of one month - was heading in the completely opposite direction: showcasing my failures.

Wait, what?

In most cases, perfectionism is caused by cognitive distortions, i.e., striving for perfection when it cannot be achieved. It may stem from different reasons going as deep as early childhood, but that's something you will have to dive deep into yourself and/or with the help of a therapist. What matters is that there is a core belief inside of you that if you do everything just right, it will be perfect.

That is, obviously, wrong. Let's take this platform for instance. A lot of you here are writers. Aspiring or established, successful or still on the path, you may think that if you hit just the right words, compose the perfect message, and make an incredibly engaging and resonating piece of work, you will become trending. While this might be true, seasoned writers will assure you that no matter what you do, it is never a guaranteed 100% hit.

There are so many external circumstances that affect your chances of success that you cannot control are so numerous, I'd have to triple this post to just list them.

What does that have to do with showcasing the failures?

When I accepted that I have no control over so many things in my life, I started looking at the things I had control over, at the same time accepting that things happen and that's okay.

I received a gift for my birthday that I couldn't afford to buy myself - not because of the money, but because of my own demons (we will address the inability to take care of yourself in the future). A few days after that, I placed a large dent on it. And I felt terrible for days - how could I damage something I valued so much and that had such sentimental value for me in a matter of days? I suck. I better not do anything in the first place so I don't disappoint others.

But I decided to go the opposite direction. I walked up to that person and showed them the dent, saying that I did that, it was my fault. Their reaction? "Oh, okay. So how do you like it so far?"

I had such an engraved mental image that if I don't do everything perfectly, then I'm not perfect, then I'm not worthy.

And only after I started going in the completely opposite direction, deliberately pointing out my mistakes, I learned firsthand that people generally don't care and do not devalue you for such mistakes.

The same goes for work. I was stunned to start doing anything if I couldn't be perfect, and in my 20s, it was okay because I was working 10-12 hours a day just to hit every deadline perfectly. In my 30s? Not so much. And you know what? People prefer okay-ish consistency over occasional perfection.

Is there a way to speed up this process?

One word - kintsugi. A Japanese art of mending broken pottery with golden lacquer. The philosophy is simple: breakage is part of the history of the object. Pain is part of the history of a person.

If you are like me, the first time you apply golden lacquer on a beige plate, aluminum phone case, or glass vase, it would hurt like hell, but will be so liberating that you will realize there is no merit in obsessive perfectionism, and acceptance is the path out.